Tuesday, May 17, 2011

10 Ways on How To Let go of Past Loves

Its not that easy letting go of someone you love. Plenty of people are having a hard time letting go of past loves and are still attached to the memory of a past romance. Come unstuck with these techniques and discover yourself - happy and free. If you are stuck in an emotional tie that no longer serves you, it's time to set yourself free. Here are 10 fool proof ways to enjoy the present and release your past.

1. Get real about what was. According to pop psychologists, we are most magnetically attracted to people who embody the characteristics of our parents or early caretakers because we unwittingly seek in a partner someone who will re-open our childhood wounds. Our adult selves can finally heal those wounds, but the more negative those characteristics are(from critical and controlling to charmingly irresponsible) the more intense the attraction we feel.

We can get relief from out nostalgia for a past love by remembering that the intensity of the memory does not necessarily mean the relationship was best for us. Remember, what fueled the attraction may not have been love, but your soul's desire to heal the past.

2. Forget the merge-urge. Subliminally, people in love promise they will meet all of each others needs while having none of their own. This is why we long for the feeling of fullness again, of merged egos. But then it was an illusion and temporary and, in reality, it was not love. Had the relationship continued, you would have seen boundaries snap back in place, for no one would have made you feel that high forever.

3. Are you romanticizing? The persistence of a romanticized memory contains an addictive element but the element is not in the former relationship - it's in you. So toss out your rose colored glasses. Chances are you are romanticizing weaknesses as strengths. Was he self employed because of his independence or his inability to accept authority? A realistic assessment is empowering. Keep a cheat sheet of unflattering truths and refer to it when you slip into dewy daydreams. It is easier to let go of a human then a hero.

4. There's no such thing as "one and only". Repeat this 20 times. Ask yourself whether deep down you believe that remembering the relationship preserves it in some way. Write a new belief code, such as: "I have never left a relationship that would have made me happier than i am now." Don't mythologize as "one and only" someone who actually might have been unremarkable.

5. This is me -- free! Visualize yourself saying to a friend, "oh my gosh, I haven't thought about x-mas in years!" Absorb how fantastic you'll feel, how happy and energized, and say thank you for that. Remember that visualization is not about vision. It's about what you feel when you envision. Feel your freedom and cement it with gratitude.

6. Bury the memories. Your brain believes your body, sort of a reverse of the placebo effect. You begin to feel free of the past when you act free of the past! don't talk about the old relationship, don't note anniversaries, or send mental messages.

7. Turn to creativity. One of the best balms for emotional wounds is creativity, which is different from staying busy. Doing something creative, whether it is writing, drawing, composing lyrics, changing your hairstyle, planting garden, thinking of a great gift, or redecorating a room, connects you to yourself and a power greater than yourself.

And creativity is deeply engaging. It fills you from the inside out.

8. Be grateful. Swap longing reverie for gratitude. Be thankful for your blessings, for the good things in your life. This will help you from dismiss what you no longer have.

9. Exercise to exorcise the "ex". Go to the gym regularly, or go for a fun run. Regular exercise keeps your endorphin levels high and keeps you from falling into melancholy memories.

10. Shut the door on the uninvited guest. Do thoughts of a past love pop up at unexpected times? Respond to such thoughts as you would to a neighbor or acquaintance who drops by without calling first. Do a mental yawn and look for the nearest "exit".


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